Q: Why can’t Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
It was so cold last winter…
…I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A:?It抯 OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.”
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! You must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was
Today the answer came back…
“I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”
“I dunno,” said the second. “Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.
“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.
“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”
“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, “OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?”
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.
But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter.”
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law.”
What does Bigfoot and a smart blonde have in common?
They both do not exist.
Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.
They only had a dollar in change between them. “I’ve got it, follow Me.” said the first man.
They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. “We’ll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the
Bartender asks for money, I’ll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.”
The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds.
When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.
The bartender tells them, “That will be 3 dollars?
The first man stands up and unzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.
“You faggots? screams the bartender. “Get the hell out of here!”
They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and
The second man drops to his knees.
The bartender throws them out.
After the sixth bar the second man complains, “Man this isn’t working out so well, my knees are killing me!”
“You think you’ve had it bad? the first man exclaims. “I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!”
a pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
搃 would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,?sighed the pheasant, 攂ut i haven’t got the energy.?
搘ell, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings??replied the bull. 搕hey’re packed with nutrients.?
the pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. the next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. and so on.
finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
the moral of the story: bulls*** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
