15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile.
8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

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