Superior Jokes .com

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?” The mother responded, “Honey, women dont talk about their age. Youll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weight?” Her mother responded again, “Thats another thing women dont talk about. Youll learn this too, as you grow up.”

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.”

The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friends house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mothers conversation. His friend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, Youre 32 years old.”

The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”, said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an “F” in sex.”

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, “Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, “I dont want you to try to talk me out of
it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend,
and hes a much better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids, too.”

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now hes
up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything
you want?”

The husband says, “No, Ive got everything I need.”

She asks, “Whats that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
“Ive got the airbag!”

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, lets go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.” They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry about that.” the husband replied.

“No, actually I want to thank you. Im a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to grant three wishes- Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the last one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem-its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” she said.

“Consider it done.” the genie replied.

“And whats your wish, genie?” the husband said.

“Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care.” The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“35.” she replied.

“And he still believes in genies? Thats amazing.”

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The woman is intrigued and asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“Whats it telling you now?”

“Well, it says youre not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, Sorry, theres no broccoli.

So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, “There is no broccoli.”

So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, Spell cat, as in catastrophe.

C-A-T, the man answered.

The waiter then asked, Spell dog as in dogmatic.

The man said D-O-G.

Now spell fuck, as in broccoli, the waiter said.

The man yelled THERES NO FUCK IN BROCCOLI!

The waiter laughed, EXACTLY!!”

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first guy says, “My favorite position is the rodeo position.”

“What is the rodeo position, and how do you do that?” asks the second man.

The first guy explains, “Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and shes really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, Your sister likes this position too… Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds.”

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man removes his glass eye, puts the eye in his mouth, and bites it.

“Thats not fair,” says the bartender., “How was I to know you had a glass eye?”

“Very well, then, Ill bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye.”

The reluctant bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

By now, the bartender is really pissed off. He hands the man his money and walks away.

The man sits down at a table and starts drinking beer after beer. Some ten beers later, the man gets up and starts talking to another patron.

Sometime later, the man says to the bartender, “You know, I wasnt to fair to you earlier, so Ill give you a chance to win your money back. Ill bet you $500 that I can stand on a barstool 5 feet from the bar and piss into a shot glass without getting any on your bar.”

The bartender thinks about the bet to ensure there are no catches, and then reluctantly agrees to take the bet.

The man pulls the barstool to within 5 feet of the bar, exposes his member, and begins urinating right into the shot glass.

To the bartenders delight, though, the man loses his footing, causing him to urinate all over the bar. The bartender laughs at the man. He starts wiping up the mess from the bar, and says, “I knew you couldnt do it!”

The man reaches into his pocket and pays the bartender $500, then says to the bartender, “Fair is fair. But, you know, I bet the man down at the end of the bar $1,000 that I would stand on a barstool, piss all over your bar, and that you would laugh and clean it up.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?”

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

Wow,” says the barkeep., “What did you do about it?”

“I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.”

“That makes sense,” remarks the barkeep., “And, what about your best friend?”

“I looked him right in the eye and yelled, “Bad dog!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close properly.”

To which he replies, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? Theyre a mess and a real hazard.”

“Im not a damn carpenter and I dont want to fix the steps,” he says., “Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so.” He continued, “In fact, Ive had enough of all your Bickering. Im going to the bar!”

So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.

“Honey, howd this all get fixed?”

His wife replies, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake.”

“So, what kind of cake did you bake him?” asks the husband.

“Hellooooooo!” she replies emphatically, “Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I dont think so!”

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, “Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!”

The Russian replies, “Theres plenty of that where I come from.”

The Puerto Rican doesnt want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, “Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!”

The Puerto Rican replies, “Theres plenty of that where I come from.”

Now, the American doesnt want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he cant find anything. He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, “What the hell did you do that for?”

The American replies, “Theres plenty of that where I come from.”