Superior Jokes .com

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was …Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time….

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. “Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”

“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet.
After looking around she realized that all the pets
were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned
the clerk. “I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of
yours are so expensive”, she said.

“Well”, said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the
back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?” “50.00?? For
a frog??” asked the woman. The clerk said ” It’s a special
frog. It gives blow jobs.” Well the woman did not
particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a
hell of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he surely
would enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again.

The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her
husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the
husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he’d try
it out that night. The woman went to bed that night
relieved knowing she’d never have to give another
blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear
pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up
to see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen,
she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen
table like best buddies, looking through a cookbook. “What
are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?”
asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, “Well,
if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!”

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided
to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which
ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from
each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They
used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed
up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone
felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way
that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage
and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian
dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American
dachshund.
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the
Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.”

Cowboy and his horse.

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named “Clint”, and
bring him back to their camp to meet
the chief. The chief says to Clint, “You going to die.
But we sorry for you, so give you one
wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you
die. What is first wish?” Clint says, “I
want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. Clint
grabs the horse’s ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse
takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse
and goes into the teepee with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white
man - can only think of one thing.” The
second day,the chief says, “What your wish today?” Clint
says, “I want to see my horse again.”
The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the
horse and whispers something in the
horse’s ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later,
the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake
their heads, figuring, “Typical white man - going to die
tomorrow and can only think of one thing.” The last
day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish,
white man. What you want?” Clint says, “I
want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his
horse. Clint grabs the horse by both
ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips!
POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down. The monkey said, “If you tie yourself up I’ll come down.” So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.

The lion said, “Hey, monkey, you don’t have to be scared! I’m not going to eat you; I’m tied up real tight.”

“I know,” said the monkey. “That’s not why I’m shaking.”

“So why are you shaking?” asked the lion.

“Well,” said the monkey, “it’s just that I’ve never had sex with a lion before.”

WHERE DO TUFF CHICKENS COME FROM???

HARD BOILED EGGS!

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

What does a lion call a antelope?Fast food.Sent by jessica