Superior Jokes .com

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. “… that’s amazing, where did you get it?”, he asked. His barmate answers, “This is my wish. There’s a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes.”

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, “I would like to have a million bucks!” Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.

He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, “That’s a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!” His barmate turns away from the box he’s looking into and replies, “I guess you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy
asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers
the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy,
sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he
asks.

“Same time as before… Noon,” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, “Whatjoo
shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t
wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. “They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where did you go?” “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, when a Chinese man comes in. The Jewish man jumps up and punches him in the face.

“Ouch!” the Chinese man says.

“What was that for?”

“That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says.

“But I’m Chinese!”

“Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?”

And the Jewish man sits back down.

A few minutes later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

“Ouch!” the Jewish man says.

“What was that for?”

“That was for sinking the Titanic,” the Chinese man says.

“Sinking the Titanic??? But that was an iceberg!”

“Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, “Bartender? A ROUNDS FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!”

The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.

“That’ll be $80 for the round,” says the bartender, to which the man replies, “I don’t have a plug nickel?

The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.

The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!”

As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back him.

“Ok, that’s $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight?

The man replies, “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say?

The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he’s working, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.”

Turning around, he can’t believe the drunk is back for a third time.

“What, nothing for me this time?”

“Hell no,” says the drunk. “You get MEAN when you drink!”

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.

“Good grief,” says Jim, “you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?”

“Well,” replies Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety.”

Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”

Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About five drinks.

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, “I found out my brother is gay.”

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, “I found out my other brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, “I found out my other brother is gay.”

The bartender says, “Doesn’t anyone like pussy anymore?”

The guy says, “Yeah, my sister?

A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx. He cleared his throat and then asked, “Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little man. “It’s my dog. Who’s asking?”

“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed your Doberman, sir.”

“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What kind of dog do you have?”

“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”

“A four week old puppy!” roared the biker, “How could your four week old puppy kill my Doberman?”

“Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir.”