Superior Jokes .com

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, “I am a blind carpenter and I need a job.”

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, “If you’re blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?”

The blind carpenter says, “I can tell any piece of lumber by it’s smell.”

The foreman says “O.K. I’ll give you a test and if you pass the test, you’ve got a job.”

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, “I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is.”

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, “Ready!”

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says “That’s a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long.”

The foreman says, “Duh! That’s right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here’s another piece of lumber for you to identify.”

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, “Ready!”

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, “This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.”

The foreman does this and says “Ready!”

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, “That’s a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long.”

The foreman is amazed and says “That’s right, but I still think you’re just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job.”

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, “Ready!”

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, “This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.”

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, “Ready!”

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, “I got it. That’s a shit house door off a tuna boat.”

He got the job.

Q: What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?

A1: Corduroy.

A2: Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?

A. She was bobbing for French fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?

A: She answers the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?

A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?

A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?

A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?

A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?

A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?

A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?

A. You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?

A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?

A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?

A: The guy, who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t scream for help.

Q: How come Helen Keller can’t have kids??

A: Because she’s DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?

A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK’s parent’s do to punish her?

A1: Rearranged the furniture

A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl

A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.

A4: Put her in a round room and told her there’s a penny in the corner

A5: Washed her hands out with soap

A6: Gave her bird-seed to read.

A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?

A1: She’s a woma

A2: She’s dead.

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?

A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?

A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What’s the name of Helen Keller’s favorite book?

A: “Around the block in 80 Days”

Q: Define true love.

A: Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?

A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?

A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?

A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller’s teachers punish her for talking in class?

A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn’t Helen Keller change her baby’s diaper?

A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?

A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriend’s ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?

A: She shouted hysterically.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump.

My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in.”

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: It scares the heck out of the dog.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”