Superior Jokes .com

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass……..

A new contract for Santa has been negotiated…Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. They are as follows:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads “This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson”.

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba’s sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”

5. “Ho, Ho, Ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond “I hear’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words “Back Off”. The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see “Ernest Saves Christmas” and “Smoky and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Don’t look for the traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus’s elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” will be replaced. “Bubba Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.

Sincerely yours,

Santa Claus

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN’T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN’T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON’T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I’LL FUCK YOU UP! I’LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN’T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU’LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE…YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!
Sincerely, Johnny

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said “I could not work out what size her nose was!

Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.

Q. What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A. Forty feet of track - all straight!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s.”

Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.

Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

Dec. 7 Debug Windows 97.

Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.

Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.

Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.

Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.

Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.

Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.

Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.

Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.

Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.

Dec. 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.

Jan. 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.

Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.

Jan. 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.

Jan. 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan. 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan. 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan. 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

Jan. 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.

Jan. 26 Review the Christmas ‘96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.

Jan. 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan. 31 Gild lilies.

Twas the night before the “big day”, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse:

The pendants were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Beamer soon would be there:

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of the Sugar Bowl danced in their heads;

And ma in her Hokies shirt, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long New Years nap,

When out in the town there arose such a clatter, I went from my house to see what was the matter.

Away to the gridiron I flew with great haste, Tore open the doors and threw up the gates.

The lights from the top of the New Orleans dome Gave the luster to the field that was far from home.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a whole tribe of warriors dressed up in their gear.

With a southern ol’ coach, so lively and slick, I knew in a moment that this was no trick.

More rapid than eagles his players they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

“Now MIDGET now CHARLTON now VICK and MOORE. On DAVIS on KENDRICK on KIBBLE and GRAHAM.

From the top of the stands, regardless of polls, This is the BIG game, so go get ‘em, you HOKIES!”.

It’s down to two teams on this championship night. The Hokies and Noles have one last big fight.

So on to the Superdome the teams they did fly, With the book full of tricks that St. Beamer would try.

Frank was dressed all in maroon, from his head to his toe, And circling his head was a great golden glow;

A bundle of plays he had flung on his back, And he looked like a gambler just opening his sack.

His eyes they did twinkled! His smile just as merry! Michael Vick was his man, and boy he could carry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And you could tell it was time to get on with the show.

A secret play book was held tight in his hand, Every one in the nation knew this coach was “THE MAN”.

He had a broad face and was a little round bugger, And shook when he laughed like a BOWLful of SUGAR.

He was cheerful and ready, a right jolly old elf, And I cheered when I saw him, and not to myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He said what he needed, and gathered his crew, Twelve wins in a row was what he would do.

The HOKIES took the field with a big swell of pride, The NOLES were history, there was nowhere to hide.

As he sprang to his feet, to his team gave a holler, He saw them standing just a little bit taller.

“We’ve beaten them all, we’ve got the job done.” It’s now undisputed, WE ARE # 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas and Go Hokies!

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, “I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it’s decorated or not!!”