Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”
“They’re Carol’s.”
Dec. 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
Dec. 2 Have Morman Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Dec. 3 Using candlewick and hand-gilded pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Dec. 4 Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed at the moment death occurs.
Dec. 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Dec. 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Dec. 7 Debug Windows 97.
Dec. 10 Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
Dec. 11 Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
Dec. 12 Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Dec. 13 Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Dec. 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Dec. 15 Replace air in minivan tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Dec. 17 Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
Dec. 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dec. 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Dec. 21 Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
Dec. 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Dec. 23 Seed clouds for White Christmas.
Dec. 24 Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Dec. 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Dec. 26 Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
Dec. 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
Dec. 29 Enter Style Invitational; win.
Dec. 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Jan. 1 1998 Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1998.
Jan. 3 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Jan. 5 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan. 7 Lay Faberge egg.
Jan. 8 Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 10 Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan. 13 Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
Jan. 15 MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan. 16 Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan. 20 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan. 21 Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 23 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Jan. 25 Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 26 Review the Christmas ‘96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan. 28 Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 31 Gild lilies.
Twas the night before the “big day”, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse:
The pendants were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Beamer soon would be there:
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of the Sugar Bowl danced in their heads;
And ma in her Hokies shirt, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long New Years nap,
When out in the town there arose such a clatter, I went from my house to see what was the matter.
Away to the gridiron I flew with great haste, Tore open the doors and threw up the gates.
The lights from the top of the New Orleans dome Gave the luster to the field that was far from home.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a whole tribe of warriors dressed up in their gear.
With a southern ol’ coach, so lively and slick, I knew in a moment that this was no trick.
More rapid than eagles his players they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now MIDGET now CHARLTON now VICK and MOORE. On DAVIS on KENDRICK on KIBBLE and GRAHAM.
From the top of the stands, regardless of polls, This is the BIG game, so go get ‘em, you HOKIES!”.
It’s down to two teams on this championship night. The Hokies and Noles have one last big fight.
So on to the Superdome the teams they did fly, With the book full of tricks that St. Beamer would try.
Frank was dressed all in maroon, from his head to his toe, And circling his head was a great golden glow;
A bundle of plays he had flung on his back, And he looked like a gambler just opening his sack.
His eyes they did twinkled! His smile just as merry! Michael Vick was his man, and boy he could carry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And you could tell it was time to get on with the show.
A secret play book was held tight in his hand, Every one in the nation knew this coach was “THE MAN”.
He had a broad face and was a little round bugger, And shook when he laughed like a BOWLful of SUGAR.
He was cheerful and ready, a right jolly old elf, And I cheered when I saw him, and not to myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He said what he needed, and gathered his crew, Twelve wins in a row was what he would do.
The HOKIES took the field with a big swell of pride, The NOLES were history, there was nowhere to hide.
As he sprang to his feet, to his team gave a holler, He saw them standing just a little bit taller.
“We’ve beaten them all, we’ve got the job done.” It’s now undisputed, WE ARE # 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Merry Christmas and Go Hokies!
