Superior Jokes .com

EXCLAMTIONS:

“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
“Ahm fixin ta do that”

THREATS:

“I’ll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style.”
“This’ll jar your preserves.”
“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”

COMPLIMENTS:

“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
“Gooder than grits.”

THE WEATHER:

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Wintery roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”
DESCRIPTIONS:

INSULTS:

“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued’.”
“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead.”
Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.” like: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”

MISC:

A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
“He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin.”

All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Dont order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Dont laugh at peoples names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a mans ass for less than that.

3. Dont order a bottle of pop or a can of soda — this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South its called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

4. Dont show allegiances to any college football squad that isnt an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week.

5. Dont refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We”ve got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We dont care if you think were dumb, we know better!

6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave.

7. Dont order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know youre from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, dont put sugar in your grits.

8. Dont attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.

9. Dont go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you dont like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.

10. We dont play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern games, so dont ask about the scores. We…simply…dont…care.

11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. Its like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.

12. Last, but by no means least…DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Dont push your luck!