Superior Jokes .com

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: …..”Born a Jew ……Raised a Jew ……Now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: …..”Born a cow ……Raised a cow ……Now a fish.”

Actual Announcements Taken From US Church Bulletins

1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. The 1991 Spring council retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
3. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
4. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.
5. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
6. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
7. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. All proceeds will be used to cripple children.
8. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6:00 p.m. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel.
9. The associate minister unveiled the churches new tithing slogan
last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”
10. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.
11. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and Medication to follow.
12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
13. For those of you who have children and don’t know it; we have a
nursery downstairs.
14. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
15. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk will please come early.
17. Wednesday, the ladies of the Liturgy society will meet. Mrs.
Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the
pastor.
18. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All those interested in becoming a Little Mother
please see the pastor in his private study.
19. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
20. The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water”. One of
the ladies will begin (quietly) and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
21. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on
the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
22. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
23. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
24. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What
is hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.
25. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls
on people who are not afflicted with any church.
26. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. all
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
27. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
28. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
29. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
30. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30
p.m…Please use the back door.
31. Ushers will eat latecomers.
32. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without
musical accomplishment.
33. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
34. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
35. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
36. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible
Experience.”
37. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services
will be discontinued until further notice.
38. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
39. The music for today’s service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of
his birth.
40. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
41. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.
Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored
the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home
of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
44. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
45. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a
full choir.
46. Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”
47. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS
GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son,
Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could
get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys
do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through
the pastor’s sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and
it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to
Johnny and ask him a question about God.

“Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?”

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son
falling asleep, suck a pin in her son’s right butt cheek.

“GOD!!!!” Cried little Johnny.

“Very good,” the pastor replied. For he could not say it was
wrong. And he continued on.

But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor
once again noticed this and decided to ask another question “Who
was Mary and Joseph’s son?” The pastor asked.

Johnny’s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he
stuck a pin in his son’s left butt cheek.

“JESUS CHRIST!!!!” Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied “Very good.”

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control
himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor
decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. “What did
Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?”

But before Johnny’s parents could do anything Johnny shouted “IF
YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO TAKE IT AND
BREAK IT IN HALF!