An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
“Well” he explained “By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ “.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard!’ and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
“Well” he explained “By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen’ “.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself ” I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards!’ and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
“Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her tits are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your tits to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between them for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her tits.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.
The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your arse, didn’t it?”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for ?100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five ?20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
“Paint my house.”
