Description of a formal redneck wedding.
The bride’s father carries a white shotgun, her brothers, uncles, neighbors and former lovers wear clean jeans and flannel shirts, polish their boots, remove their “hats” (caps)during the ceremony, spit out their tobacco or snuff, and fill up the tank of the groom’s “pick-em-up” truck, after removing the “I love My Truck” bumper sticker.
What does Tiger Woods have that Princess Diana didn’t?
A good driver.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a herd of elephants walking across the plains with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, she didn’t recognize them.
If it weren’t for the olives in martinis, yo’ mama would starve to death.
Mama bear to Papa bear:
“Well… You might call it hibernating — I call it ‘goofing off’.”
How do hillbillies celebrate Halloween?
They pump kin.
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”
The American then asked, “Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?”
The Mexican said, “With this I have more than enough to support my family’s needs.”
The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15 to 20 years.”
“But what then?” asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions?…Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
They have both been laid all over America.
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.
As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “Norks Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs and says,”You smell kind of norky.
What do you do for a living?” The truck driver says, “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling.
” The bartender says,”Okay, truck drivers are not norks,” and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked,”Why did you do that?” The bartender said,”Not to worry, the norks are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now.
You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.
They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the norkiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can’t let them steal his whole load.
So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought norks were in season.
” “Well, sure,” said the patrolman.
“But you can’t bait ‘em.”
Yo mamma’s so retarded, she thinks “yo mama” jokes are funny.
