Superior Jokes .com

Actual Announcements Taken From US Church Bulletins

1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
2. The 1991 Spring council retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.
3. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
4. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for
testes.
5. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
6. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
7. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. All proceeds will be used to cripple children.
8. The Lutheran Men’s group will meet at 6:00 p.m. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel.
9. The associate minister unveiled the churches new tithing slogan
last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”
10. Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.
11. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and Medication to follow.
12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
13. For those of you who have children and don’t know it; we have a
nursery downstairs.
14. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth
of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
15. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk will please come early.
17. Wednesday, the ladies of the Liturgy society will meet. Mrs.
Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the
pastor.
18. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All those interested in becoming a Little Mother
please see the pastor in his private study.
19. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
20. The service will close with “Little Drops Of Water”. One of
the ladies will begin (quietly) and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
21. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the
cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on
the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
22. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
23. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
24. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be “What
is hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.
25. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls
on people who are not afflicted with any church.
26. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. all
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.
27. Evening massage - 6 p.m.
28. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.
29. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the
recession.
30. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30
p.m…Please use the back door.
31. Ushers will eat latecomers.
32. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without
musical accomplishment.
33. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the
audience.
34. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the
choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
35. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege
of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
36. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning
service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible
Experience.”
37. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services
will be discontinued until further notice.
38. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
39. The music for today’s service was all composed by George
Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of
his birth.
40. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
41. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.
42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.
Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored
the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home
of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
44. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
45. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a
full choir.
46. Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev.
Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”
47. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS
GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,
when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed
into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer,after
seeing
what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded
to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed
bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then
asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?” The old farmer
replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know
how them politicians lie.”

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities.”
“That is correct,” says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing
now?” he says.

“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.

He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to
her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”

You Might Be An Network Engineer if…

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one
to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

- Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the
money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

- Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the
scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine
room.

- In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue
failure.

- The salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any
of your questions.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are
falling.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own
handwriting.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.

- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the
chairs to see how they do the special effects.

- You have saved every power cord from all your broken
appliances.

- You have more friends on the internet than in real life.

- You know what http:// stands for.

- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’
toys.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding
ring.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

- You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they
didn’t get enough sleep.

- You window shop at Radio Shack.

- You’re both in the backseat of your car, she’s looking
wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a
geosynchronous satellite.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

- You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

- You’ve have tried to repair a $5 radio.

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet.
After looking around she realized that all the pets
were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned
the clerk. “I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of
yours are so expensive”, she said.

“Well”, said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the
back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?” “50.00?? For
a frog??” asked the woman. The clerk said ” It’s a special
frog. It gives blow jobs.” Well the woman did not
particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a
hell of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he surely
would enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again.

The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her
husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the
husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he’d try
it out that night. The woman went to bed that night
relieved knowing she’d never have to give another
blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear
pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up
to see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen,
she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen
table like best buddies, looking through a cookbook. “What
are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?”
asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, “Well,
if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!”

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering
into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

“Will I be acquitted?”

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son,
Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could
get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys
do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through
the pastor’s sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and
it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to
Johnny and ask him a question about God.

“Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?”

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son
falling asleep, suck a pin in her son’s right butt cheek.

“GOD!!!!” Cried little Johnny.

“Very good,” the pastor replied. For he could not say it was
wrong. And he continued on.

But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor
once again noticed this and decided to ask another question “Who
was Mary and Joseph’s son?” The pastor asked.

Johnny’s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he
stuck a pin in his son’s left butt cheek.

“JESUS CHRIST!!!!” Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied “Very good.”

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control
himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor
decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. “What did
Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?”

But before Johnny’s parents could do anything Johnny shouted “IF
YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO TAKE IT AND
BREAK IT IN HALF!

Where do you want to go today?

Straight to hell, apparently.

The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral
music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the
Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The
commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan “Where do you want to go
today?” and a final, furious blast of music. It’s a very cool effect. But
if you dig a little deeper…

As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart’s Requiem
Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies “Where
do you want to go today?” are actually “confutatis maledictis, flammis
acribus addictis…” In English: “When the damned are confounded, and
consigned to sharp flames…”; which describes exactly where I want to go
today.

Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade
to purgatory is pretty steep.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her
and explains to her all the features on the phone. The
next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and
it’s her husband, “Hi hun,”he says “how do you like your
new phone?”, she replies: “I just love, it’s so small
and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing
I don’t understand though.” “What’s that, baby?” asks
the husband.
“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided
to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have
five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which
ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The
losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from
each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They
used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest
meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed
up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone
felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way
that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage
and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian
dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American
dachshund.
But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the
Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one
bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.”